So, already I'm fucking pissed off because I can't take all my liquids and shit on the plane unless I declare it in a stupid little quart-size bag. That's bullshit, right? That's not just me, right? Safety versus individual liberties? Uhm, I vote fuck safety, who's with me?
I wear contact lenses. There, I said it, I'm a fucking cripple. The air systems on the planes run somewhere around 10-20% relative humidity (yeah, that's right, I know shit). That dries my shit out, and I need some eye drops after a couple of hours cramped into the airline industry's interpretation of a seat So, my thing has always been to put all my pretty-boy products (hey, THIS doesn't just happen (imagine me pointing at my face, please)) in my checked baggage, because I'm not going to cave to the mighty TSA. Oh, but there's one little exception. If I'm wearing contact lenses when I fly, I smuggle some eye drops in my pocket. Yes, that's right, I'm basically a fucking terrorist.
I would also like to mention at this point that I am a goddamned expert at going through airport security. I'm like some sort of airport-security prodigy or some shit. By the way, to you fuckers who can't seem to crack the code of the elusive task of putting your shit in a plastic bin and emptying your pockets, your day is coming here on LWM. So anyway, you can imagine my confusion when the little metal detector started buzzing as I went through it. I pointed out the sexy ring on my finger, and I even pulled up my shirt to point out my the button fly on my jeans (five fucking buttons!). It wasn't good enough. "Male screening!" That's what they said. I felt like a whorish piece of meat. By the way, what if I want a sad, fat TSA chick to fondle my bits? Why do I automatically get a guy because I'm a guy? The TSA is so unaccommodating.
And we come to my point: the bottle of eye drops. You all know how nutso they are about the liquids and gels on the airplanes now. It seems like now I'd have a better chance of carrying a bomb through than my toothpaste. So I get my male assist from some unfortunate looking fellow named Rob. It was fun, he grabbed in the wrong places and caressed a little too harshly, but with training he could be alright. Oh by the way, old people, what the fuck? I can't believe the eighty-year-old that had also been set aside for screening didn't appreciate my, "I hope he at least buys me dinner," comment as Rob was stroking me up and down. Get over it, old people.
So this Rob dude ran his hands up and down me a good three complete times. Not once did Sadly McAirportsecurity notice the very noticeable bulge in my pocket, which was of course the eye drops. He did pay particular attention to the part where I pulled my shirt up and turned the top button of my jeans inside out. Looking back I wonder if I missed a potential opportunity for a date.
My point, people, is what the fuck with airport security? The whole thing is a goddamned joke and they just harass people for no good reason. After being inconvenienced for no reason, I'm actually kind of motivated to see what I can sneak through now.
We're adding "Fuck you, TSA" to our LWM list. You're with me, loyal readers, right?
I wear contact lenses. There, I said it, I'm a fucking cripple. The air systems on the planes run somewhere around 10-20% relative humidity (yeah, that's right, I know shit). That dries my shit out, and I need some eye drops after a couple of hours cramped into the airline industry's interpretation of a seat So, my thing has always been to put all my pretty-boy products (hey, THIS doesn't just happen (imagine me pointing at my face, please)) in my checked baggage, because I'm not going to cave to the mighty TSA. Oh, but there's one little exception. If I'm wearing contact lenses when I fly, I smuggle some eye drops in my pocket. Yes, that's right, I'm basically a fucking terrorist.
I would also like to mention at this point that I am a goddamned expert at going through airport security. I'm like some sort of airport-security prodigy or some shit. By the way, to you fuckers who can't seem to crack the code of the elusive task of putting your shit in a plastic bin and emptying your pockets, your day is coming here on LWM. So anyway, you can imagine my confusion when the little metal detector started buzzing as I went through it. I pointed out the sexy ring on my finger, and I even pulled up my shirt to point out my the button fly on my jeans (five fucking buttons!). It wasn't good enough. "Male screening!" That's what they said. I felt like a whorish piece of meat. By the way, what if I want a sad, fat TSA chick to fondle my bits? Why do I automatically get a guy because I'm a guy? The TSA is so unaccommodating.
And we come to my point: the bottle of eye drops. You all know how nutso they are about the liquids and gels on the airplanes now. It seems like now I'd have a better chance of carrying a bomb through than my toothpaste. So I get my male assist from some unfortunate looking fellow named Rob. It was fun, he grabbed in the wrong places and caressed a little too harshly, but with training he could be alright. Oh by the way, old people, what the fuck? I can't believe the eighty-year-old that had also been set aside for screening didn't appreciate my, "I hope he at least buys me dinner," comment as Rob was stroking me up and down. Get over it, old people.
So this Rob dude ran his hands up and down me a good three complete times. Not once did Sadly McAirportsecurity notice the very noticeable bulge in my pocket, which was of course the eye drops. He did pay particular attention to the part where I pulled my shirt up and turned the top button of my jeans inside out. Looking back I wonder if I missed a potential opportunity for a date.
My point, people, is what the fuck with airport security? The whole thing is a goddamned joke and they just harass people for no good reason. After being inconvenienced for no reason, I'm actually kind of motivated to see what I can sneak through now.
We're adding "Fuck you, TSA" to our LWM list. You're with me, loyal readers, right?
17 comments:
I just laugh, rs...
Well, I've worked in an airport... It sucks, I know...
I've had dreams about hot TSA women searching me.
They were excellent at their jobs.
Years ago I accidently cleared security with a blasting cap in my pocket.
Those were the days, my friend.
My jan. trip to LA got me felt up by a female agent this year. decidedly unpleasant experience.
Too true, good words. For a fucking eye cripple.
Those bastards took my Yellowstone huckleberry jam!
I'm definitely a part of this revolution.
this one I can't back you up on...we flew to Florida last Christmas for a cruise and I wear contacts too. I put my lens case (with fluid already in the case) and a 2 oz. bottle of saline (given to me by my eye doctor free of charge)along with a Visine for contacts in my carry-on in a plastic bag and not one TSA gave me the first raised eyebrow thru 2 airports and even homeland security at the cruise port. Going to and coming back.....
Maybe you just give off that "frisk me" vibe?
"I can't take all my liquids and shit on the plane"
I had to read this like four times before I figured out that you weren't actually trying to bring SHIT onto the plane...
Hey...is that eye drops in your pocket or are you just happy to see the fine folks at Airport Security?
Yeah, so, I don't want to start a huge uprising or anything, but after reading your thoughts on hugs,a resource informs me that LWM could be spotted delivering RANDOM and POINTLESS hugs to people previously unknown to him as recently as this past weekend. I know, I know. You want to think I'm making this up. Just to validate my story, it was also mentioned that LWM may have been under the influence of a couple of alcoholic beverages (12 or so). At least that would explain why the hugs were coupled with murmurings of "I love you man". "No, I mean it...you're my BEST FRIEND".
Well, they're strict yeah.
oh man oh man.
i LOVE airport security.
not only are they fucking terrible at their jobs, but i'm convinced that the fact that we have to deal with it is what fuels terrorism.
i'm never in a worse mood than when i have to deal with their stupidity. i traveled to europe and back TWICE with a fucking lighter in my pocket, so i could enjoy a cigarette asap after getting off the plane.
see, if inside of your eye drops bottle was like, nitrous oxide or some shit, and i had a lighter... with our powers combined we could have shown those terrorists how we do things in the old U.S. of A.
Be thankful that at least liquids are your only worry - try having a D cup and being required to wear a satanic bra with wires in it. You not only get the whole terrorist treatment, but as a bonus, you get felt up by some bull dike who probably has a GED and molests children in parks during her spare time. In front of god and everyone.
On behalf of my stupid part of the world, the UK, I feel like I should be a bit apologetic over this. It was our dumb ass terrorists who got the authorities all jumpy about this in the first place.
However, I want to point out that at least 70% of our body is water, and other liquid mixtures in general... our bodies are the greatest potential bombs of all. Now this leads to the question: what happens when you swallow some nitroglycerine before the flight, and then jump up and down on the air plane once it's airborne?
Amazing, and sadly i have one of those experience.It was a flipping toothpaste..., am right behind you on this one...
LOL
BoreDum
You know what's worse than over zealous airport security? The ones that just let you through without checking after you make the beepy thing beep.
And some advice, from personal experience: don't travel with your Moroccan friend whose name is Mohammed. i've told him now if we go anywhere together again, I'm taking a seperate flight.
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