Pack your shit, we're moving

Clearly apostrophes have been a hot topic here. For anyone who needs to catch up, I pretty much decided that you people aren't allowed to use them any more, because you fuck it up so bad, every time.

Somebody across the pond has taken me seriously. That's right, people. I've been on the radar for less than three weeks, and I'm driving international change. Yes I can, bitches.

England's Birmingham has officially declared: Fuck you, apostrophe. I couldn't be happier about this whole thing. Alright, I could. If they had instead decided to put to death people who misuse it, that would make me giddy. But this will do.

"But some purists are downright possessive about the punctuation mark," says the article. I'm a purist, damnit. I type my parentheses one side at a time, just like they do. But give me a damn break. Some (most) people fuck it up EVERY time they use it. We have to have some mechanism in place for the ones who can't figure it out. Again, death seems appropriate to me, but I'm not getting a lot of support on that.

What makes this whole thing most delicious is that the city officials have basically said, "You know what? I'm sick of trying. Fuck trying." I'm just so excited by this. I now have a place to which I can banish stupid people who insist on not learning how to do anything correctly. Oh, you wait. Just as soon as I get banishing powers, you people are fucked.

There is one conceivable problem, in terms of logistics. If I banish everyone who can't get their tiny brain around correct usage, we could run into a global imbalance. I haven't rigorously run the numbers, but I've done some back-of-the-envelope calculations on the subject. It seems like there would be about 6.5 billion people in Birmingham, and a few hundred of us out there in the rest of the world. Again, death seems like a perfectly reasonable option.

I will now delegate the rest of this entry to excerpts from the article (i.e. unbelievable shit that people actually said):

"I had to make a final decision on this," he said Friday. "We keep debating apostrophes in meetings and we have other things to do."

"More importantly, they confuse people. If I want to go to a restaurant, I don't want to have an A-level (high school diploma) in English to find it."

"Those spineless types who talk about abolishing the apostrophe are missing the point, and the pun is very much intended," she wrote.

You just can't make this shit up.
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