How timely...

First of all, fuck you retarded people. Secondly, stop taking all my fucking words away:

Special Olympics takes on use of 'R-word'

F you dude

People, what the fuck? Act your age. How is it that I can encounter supposedly grown, mature adults out in the world who talk like they're fucking ten years old? You know who I'm talking about. The people who say "F you, you a-hole!" WHAT THE FUCK?

My favorite part is how these people seem to have some sort of smug superiority in their lack of for-real swearing. It's like, "F you, dude, I'm better than you because I'm mature and restrained enough to not say the f-word. I'm civilized and cultured so I don't have to say such vulgar things, and I won't be lowered to your f'ing level." Pull the fucking stick out of your sad little ass and get on board with how the rest of us roll.

This leads into this whole proper language at work thing, as well. In a continuing theme of the removal of all personal responsibility, I like how companies have decided for us what is appropriate language at work. God forbid we should all take it upon ourselves to maintain appropriate conduct and professionalism. Instead of the fat chick down the hall getting pissy and telling me that it offends her when I call people cunts, she gets to run to HR and file a complaint because I broke a rule. Fuck that and fuck you, Two Tons of Tina.

To all you people out there who can't bring yourselves to use profanity for real, I have two things to say. First of all, grow the fuck up. Secondly, don't use your little pretend versions of profanity on me, because quite frankly I swear enough for the both of us. In fact, I think I swear enough for a whole group of us. So instead of butchering a lovely set of profane words that we all love, put on your big boy pants and shit or get off the pot.

Tex Prez

Well, I don't even really know what to say, except that I couldn't be happier. Chuck Norris has decided that the US is so surely going into the crapper that Texas will eventually secede and become its own country. I say go for it, Texas. Even better than this is that he wants to run for president of Texas. Fuck yeah.

Being both a resident and hater of Texas, the thought of Texas no longer being part of the states makes me giddy inside. I'm also pretty excited about the fact that as a resident I would have a say when it comes time for all this to happen. I have it all mapped out. I get on board with Texas seceding from the union, rally all of you stupid Texans behind it, and become a champion of creating the new country of Texas. Then, riiiiight before it happens, I get the hell out of town. I can do my part to eliminate the state of Texas once and for all, and then sit back and watch the magic from inside the slightly smaller, but clearly better United States.

If there is anyone out there who doesn't think I am anxiously holding a pair of scissors to the bottom of the map of the US in anticipation, you are sorely mistaken. Personally, I can't think of somebody more qualified to be the president of Texas than Mr. Norris. Let's face it, he has the requisite douche-bag factor nailed down, and he rocks the appropriate headwear like few can.

John Adams declared that, "Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people." Yet we've bastardized the First Amendment, reinterpreted America's religious history and secularized our society until we ooze skepticism and circumvent religion on every level of public and private life.

Yes, Chuck, that's correct. Circumventing religion? Are you fucking kidding me? If by that you mean denying one set of religious views to dominate public policy and legislation, then, uhm, yeah. In fact, fuck yeah. The link provided in his quotation goes to a site that makes my fucking skin crawl. You all should read it:

This website is committed to uncover, prove, and explain how the whitewashing of America's Christian heritage is alive and well (in addition to offering my audio message series for free below). Our hope and goal is that, by educating and mobilizing enough people across America, collectively we can restore and stop religious revisions everywhere, and help preserve our history for future generations.

I love how conservatives like to argue that because things aren't how they were in basically 1654, all hell has broken loose and we're all fucked. Whitewashing of America's Christian heritage? Fuck you, ignorant dumb shits who are so insecure with yourselves that you cling to a backasswards coping mechanism of exclusive and divisive ideologies.

You can have Texas, as long as we can export all of you closed-minded, unaccepting redneck jackasses to the great Republic of Texas after it's all said and done.

A little tap in the ass

You know, nothing warms the cockles of my heart after a night of sex and canoodling like the feeling I get from battling you retarded people all the way across this godforsaken city in horrible traffic. A trip from basically one end of the DFW metroplex to the other is a horrible experience under the best of circumstances, but you people always manage to find a way to make it just slightly less bearable.

Apparently nobody told Texas people about rain, and about the things that can happen when you continue driving like a stupid Texan in your stupid truck when the roads are wet. I know everybody bitches about the way people drive in weather, but I have never seen such a thing. In a 20-mile drive, on all highways mind you, traffic ground to a halt SEVEN fucking times to merge down to one lane for some idiot who couldn't differentiate between the road and the concrete barrier. Give me a fucking break. This lovely drive took me a solid two hours. You know what? Slow the fuck down and you won't hit shit in the rain.

Here's what really gripes my ass, though. Traffic slows down to like 0.4 MPH for ten miles and then when we finally get to where the collision is, we realize that it was some douche bag who rear-ended some other douche bag. No big deal, right? Well, no, it's not a big deal unless you decide to stop your vehicles right there in the middle lane of traffic to exchange information. Are you fucking serious? I'm sorry, getting hit sucks but you're just selfishly fucking with the rest of us by doing that. They have shoulders for just such an occasion, so move your little shit wagons over to the right and out of our way.

And why are you guys always standing there on your cell phones with your hand on your cheek with this totally panicked look on your face? Get over it. Kindly move your vehicle to the side of the road, exchange information, call the police if things get to that point, and be on your way. The world doesn't have to come to a screeching halt because somebody dinged your Kia. Fuck you, melodramatic Texas driver.

I'll fuck you for a dollar

So, you've had a bad day at work. You're tired, sore, and feel like drinking yourself to sleep. That's all fine and good, but wait, wouldn't you like a little lovin' before bed? We all would. Aww, but it turns out you're sad and pathetic and nobody loves you. Well, that's ok because you can just jump on Craigslist and order up some love. That is, until the government has their way, again.

Apparently out to ruin the lives of sad, lonely people with disposable income, Cook County Sheriff Thomas Dart (who apparently enjoys smelling tiny hands) has filed a federal lawsuit against Craigslist for their role in perpetuating prostitution. Evidently, "Craigslist is the single largest source of prostitution in the nation," Dart said. "Missing children, runaways, abused women and women trafficked in from foreign countries are routinely forced to have sex with strangers because they're being pimped on craigslist." Ok. And?

Really, people? Are we so fucking ridiculous and afraid of personal responsibility that we have to waste our government's time and money on shit like this? How can anyone think this will accomplish anything? People will just find another place to go, and it seems misguided to alienate a site that is seemingly very cooperative with law enforcement. Hey, has anyone considered the fact that since, "Craigslist is the single largest source of prostitution in the nation," it might be a useful tool in combating it? If we shut the erotic services section down, I suppose the result will be a fragmenting of these ads on to hundreds of other sites. So, that seems like a winning approach if the ultimate goal is to end prostitution. Give me a fucking break.

The best part simply has to be that, "The sheriff also noted instances of what he said was child neglect while parents were engaged in activity solicited on the Web site." Well, fuck. That's it. Game over, people. We better start filing lawsuits against Blogger, and Amazon, and Google, and eBay, and CNN, and all those twisted fuckers out there who have established attractive and useful websites with the sole intent of encouraging parents to ignore their children and spend time on the site. Basically homeboy is saying, "Fuck you, Internet."

I'm getting so tired of a culture that discourages personal responsibility and accountability. So you're whoring yourself out online? Oh no, not anymore. Fuck you, internet whore. We're taking your website away.

I think we need to start a movement to sue the government to shut down all sidewalks, hotels, bars, and nightclubs. Obviously the only reason we have problems with prostitution is because these things exist.

I don't know about the rest of you people, but I for one take comfort in the fact that I can go online and find a hooker any time of the day or night. That just makes good sense.

Other people's shit

You know what I never run out the need for? A used gravy boat for the low, low price of $1.50. What is the deal with the garage sales, people? I'm all for recycling and giving used shit a second chance at life, but get over yourselves.

There should only be two classes of shit that you are getting rid of. The first is like a really great TV that you just don't need, or maybe a nearly-new washer/dryer set that doesn't fit in your new house, maybe that Bowflex that you spent four thousand dollars on and used twice. That's all fine and good, but you know what? Don't roll your fucking crap out on the driveway and try to sell it to random passers by. That's bullshit. That's what Craigslist is for, list it and sell it. This only applies for decent stuff, or sometimes just crap if the crap has potential to be up-traded for slightly better crap.

The second class of items is just all the fucking shit that you find around your house that you don't want anymore. Half-used crayon? Hell yes, I mean at three cents it's a fucking steal. How about one dollar each for three pieces of a four-piece wine glass set? How can you pass that up? Half a ream of paper? Suuuure. Just throw all your shit out there in ratty boxes and stupid prices on it. Some dumb son of a bitch will surely buy it eventually.

People, you're just being greedy little bitches. Take your shit to Goodwill or something. THOSE people need half crayons and three wine glasses. To prolong the fun, consider just backing your loud, ugly, bloated, greedy American SUV up to your loud, ugly, bloated, greedy house and load all that shit in the back (you paid premium for those fold-down seats for a reason, right?). Then drive around town randomly chucking your lightly used (but clearly no longer good enough for you) shit at people napping on benches or asking for money at an underpass. Sure, they want a couple bucks to buy beer, but let's face it a germ-infested teddy bear with one leg and no eyes will be just as appreciated.

Oh, and trade in your gross American SUV:

God, are you there?

It’s about time, people. You know how your car wouldn’t start yesterday and you had to take a cab because you’re sad and friendless? Or what about the time you sank into a 24-hour spiral of depression because your former lover deployed his Facebook status message as an emotional weapon, targeting you and only you, clearly with the intent to mock your undying love for him and tear these feelings into little, unrecognizable pieces and then laughing at you as you die inside. Ahem. So, anyway, bad shit happens, right? Well now, people, we have some relief.

I think we have by now all realized that Heaven is a bit behind in technology adoption, which is clearly a bullshit move to insulate God from all of his petulant children and their eternal bitching. But, finally, it’s nice to see some effort. A mere nine hundred thousand years after the phone was invented, Heaven now has a direct line to God’s voicemail. Just call the number and let big daddy know how you feel about those little two-minute injuries. Oh, and feel free to get all catty and mean like some sort of insane ex. I’m pretty sure they were counting on this.

There are plenty of topics here at LWM that should probably be forwarded on to God (hint hint, loyal readers). I think first and foremost we need to let him know we’re unhappy about is this whole Jesus thing. Really, God? What happened? I don’t really care what other losers were voted off in the early elimination rounds. But there at the end when you were trying (with shifty eyes and sweat running down your face) to decide between Jesus Christ and Kristy McNichol....well…I think we all know how that one turned out. God fucked us from the start.

Perhaps, people, if we raise enough shit on his voicemail, he’ll finally start to see my side. I can see it now…

Carrabba’s will be first to go. Ryanair jets will crash into all of them, and both will be destroyed in fiery explosions. The jets will be loaded with people who were on their way to work, but were inappropriately dressed. Fiery apostrophes will rain down and explode vehicles with stupid vanity plates. The explosions will kill nearby people embraced in superfluous hugs, while onlookers take pictures with their beeping cell phones. Oh, and all of this will take place in Beaumont, TX. Not so much the end of the world as a little wag of the finger from the big guy.

Really I hope God gets a Blackberry soon. I can’t rely on time-delayed messages to be effective. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I realize that this God voicemail thing is bullshit.